Legends of Anime: Gladiator

Chapter 1 of 3
It was a typical night for Conker... What time he hadn't spent searching for cash was spent in the ale-house, drinking way too much and peeing wherever he felt the need. "Crikey, what's a squirrel got to do around here to get some bloody money? That damned little cigar-smoking bastard has been taunting me for almost a month. And I can't seem to figure out how to get up there." And as if by some great act of miraculous fate, a light bulb appears above our Protagonists head. "Oh, well that's convenient. I never noticed this B-button here before." And never one to let sleeping buttons lie, Conker presses B. He then unzips his pants and starts to pee. But unfortunately he forgot one cardinal rule... NEVER CROSS THE STREAMS! Next thing you know, Conker finds himself in a rather dark room, with the feeling of not being alone.
"Ah, yes," states a rather deep baritone voice. "It is about time. Please gentlemen, take a seat. Oh, wait, you might want some light." And with that the lights come on casting a greenish glow on everything in the room. And after a quick glance, Conker sees twelve unoccupied chairs in front of which sit small tables. Across from the chairs sits one very large black man with shades and a very trendy yet bulky and non-functional trenchcoat. And behind each chair stands a man... or woman... or... thing. "Again, please take a seat," states the intimidating man. Sitting in his seat, Lupin states, "Well at least it's a change. And believe me, change is good." Agreeing with this logic, all present nod said agreement and sit in their respective chairs to at least hear the guy out.
THUD! THUD!
The man continues, "All right. Now that we are all here, let me explain just what is going on. My name is Worf E. S. Perhaps you have heard of me." Cue extremely long awkward silence. "Ok, well maybe you haven't heard of me. Regardless, the universe needs your help." Shaking his head in anticipation of what he is sure is to come next, Vash pipes in, "Let me guess... you want us to find..." THUD! THUD! "What was that noise...?" And looking in a corner, all the intrepid travelers see a man, standing over the carcass of a creature that at some point many many many years ago probably had hooves, a mane, and a bushy tail, who screams with a very insane look in his eyes that even the Joker would be afraid of, "A SHRUBBERY!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Not wasting any time, Conker repeatedly presses his B-button unleashing a horde of vicious death with sharp pointy teeth upon the unsuspecting madman. Within seconds, the man, the carcass, and all traces of both are completely obliterated. "Thank you Conker," states Worf, "now if I may continue. You were all transported here as a freak accident when Conker crossed streams with a weasel in the bar. The crossing of the streams opened up portals through which you were all sucked and deposited here. You may wonder why I'm here. Your coming was foretold by Lady Cleo. So I have been waiting here in this room for 5 years, 3 days, 16 hours and 13 minutes for your arrival. She's not very accurate on time, but I digress. If you'll notice on the tables before you there are two cookies, a yellow one and an orange one. If you eat the orange one, you will partake in a quest to save the world. If you eat the yellow one, you will simply be transported back to wherever it was that you were before coming here."
"Uh, excuse me, sir," interrupts Temari. "But in this green light, I can't tell the difference between the two." Pondering this Worf replies, "Well, then this should prove interesting, huh. Go ahead and make your choices. And choose wisely." Glancing at each other, everybody picks one of the two cookies at random and ingests them rather quickly. "Very good. I'm glad you all decided to undertake this mission. So let me explain things in further detail. It seems that Elrond has gone missing and has been reportedly causing all sorts of havoc around the world."
"Wait a minute... What planet are we on now?" interrupts Fujiko.
"Oh, yes... Let me think here. That would be the planet Bob. Elrond is somewhere on this planet, and we don't really know where. But we have it on good authority that he is searching for something, an item of great power that will make him invincible. We have acquired this item and it sits in the manila envelope on this pedestal in front of me. It is up to you to decide what should be done with it. More specifically, we were told that Mr. Anderson would know what to do with it." "Well if you'd open the envelope, maybe it will just come to you."
"God damnit!" Getting up from his chair, Tomas Anderson walks over to the pedestal and opens the envelope and empties the contents into the palm of his hand. Seeing the item, and feeling the evil flowing through it, Tom immediately drops the item on the pedestal. "Is that what I think it is?" asks Lupin, peering from his seat. "It is," replies Tomas. "And there is only one thing we can do. We have but one choice... And that is to destroy it."
Wondering exactly what's going on, Abel pipes up, "So what the hell is it?"
"This," replies Worf, "is the Smithsonian Earpiece of the Source. With this item, its wearer will be granted great power and immortality. But it is said that the earpiece has a will of its own and will impose its will on those around it. Elrond has apparently already been twisted by its will and is now its slave. He will stop at nothing to acquire the Earpiece. And in the meantime he wages war on the world by amassing a horde of clones."
"So let me get this straight..." interjects Lupin. "You're basically saying that this little earpiece is pretty much the mother of all do-dads, gadgets, and doohickeys?"
"Pretty much..." replies Neo.
"So can I have it?"
"No. We have to destroy it."
"But it's such a precious device... I need it!"
"Bloody Hell, Lupin! Just go sit in the corner if you can't control yourself."
So a chastised Lupin heads off to the corner as the rest of the group argue about the how-tos and the why-fors about how to destroy such an evil piece of machinery. And amounst the discussion they decide that somebody has to take the earpiece back to "Evil-R-Wii" to get a store credit and have them remove the batteries. The only problem is that the store sits inside a volcano, so nobody really wants to do it. And when somebody asks Pikachu, all he can say is, "PIKA PIKA!"
Suddenly the arguing stops with all eyes turning to Pikachu. "Pika? Pika PIKA Pi! Pi... Ka... Chu!" Translation: "What? I don't want that EFFING thing! Absolutely not!"
"Bless your soul," interjects Worf. "I'm so glad you will undertake this task, Pikachu." And of course a shocked Pikachu replies, "Pika Pi Pika CHU! Pika pika pika pi." Which translates to "No way in HELL! You are all retards." And Pikachu smacks his head in frustration as he is handed the Earpiece by Worf. "Thank you, little one. The universe thanks you. But there is one more thing that I should tell you. Things are not what they seem. All of you come from different backgrounds, and all of you are very different. This is because none of you truly exist in the reality that you think you know. You are all actually existing in a make believe world that has been created on various planes of existence that overlap to create the universe."
"That's a bunch of crap, man!" shouts Lupin from his corner. "There's no way that can be true!"
"Think about it," replies Worf. "I'm a frigging Klingon wearing sunshades. Over there is a squirrel that can do anything and everything possible so long as it's contextly sensitive. Then there's this guy who can fight using puppets. And then there's you who are generally worthless aside from the use of gadgetry. All are used to different rules by which they play, and yet nobody seems to understand the world around them truly... Except for you... Mr. Anderson. You at least have the ability to see the world around you for what it actually is... Even though you have yet to fully understand that ability."
"Hey!" says Conker. "What about me? I have the ability to talk to the narrator. That should count for bloody something. Hi, Mr. Narrator!"
[Hi, Conker. Now would you shut up and get on with it? This is getting too long already.]
"Right. Carry on, Mr. Klingon."
"Very good. As I was saying... this world really only exists in the imagination of another world. And you all have the ability to manipulate this universe in various ways... so remember that in your quest. All is not as it seems. And Mr. Anderson, you have the power to defeat Elrond and hopefully break the hold that the Smithsonian Earpiece has upon him. You have only to accept that power. Now you Dirty Dozen go out and do what you must to destroy the earpiece. And watch out for D'orcs."
"Watch our for what?" asks Squall.
"D'orcs. They are rather nasty critters that will fuck your shit up. Oh well. Have fun, good luck and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!"
So with must hustle and bustle, our Dirty dozen (yes I know it's lame) FINALLY gets on with the mission. The group of adventurers sets out of the compound, each armed with a cell phone and a nifty trendy black outfit... except Lupin, because after some discussion it was decided that he was a BIT too infatuated with the Earpiece, and told to just go home. His only reply? "Screw you guys... I'm going home." And with that he left the party... Or DID he...?
So the party traveled through the Plains of Exceptional. They scaled the Peaks of Jolee, only to be turned back by the Pass of Gas. They marched the Wall of Cards, and entered the Mines of Boria through the Gateway of Dell. Then cowered before Princess, the Balrog and talked to the Midget Elf Maiden of Estrogen.
[WE INTERRUPT THIS STORYLINE TO ISSUE THIS IMPORTANT BULLETIN. DUE TO THE INTERJECTION OF SOME RESEMBLANCE OF A SOCIAL LIFE COMBINED WITH WORK COMMITMENTS, THE NARRATOR IS QUICKLY RUNNING OUT OF TIME TO WRITE OR DO ANYTHING THAT IS COOL, WITTY, FUNNY, OR ANY OTHER ADJECTIVAL WORD THAT IS GOOD. THEREFORE WE FAST FORWARD DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS AND CATCH UP WITH OUR HEROES LATER IN THE STORY.]
"“What the hell was that?" questioned Sakura.
"Well," replied Conker, "that is what we call a diminished exposition. It's when the narrator decides to skip ahead through the action and presses the story forward using whatever literary devices that are at his or her disposal. In this instance, he just used the power of the emergency broadcast system. That and these things are always edited for time and content. That's the difference between a series and a feature film."
"Huh... I don't know what you're talking about. I was talking about that thing that came by and grabbed my ass!"
"Oh, that! I think it was Lupin."
"Yeah, sorry about that. It just looks so... so... so... Prrrrrecious... ...”
Chapter 2 of 3
Conker, Neo, Kankuro, Temari, Vash, and Squall stood in the forest, surrounded by the bodies of about 45 D'orcs. "Man," commeneted Kankuro. "Worf wasn't kidding about those damned D'orcs. Those things were just friggin scary." Nodding in agreement, Vash continues, "Yeah, and weird too. And what the hell was with them all carrying dice and wearing glasses? And what the HELL was that think in their shirt pockets that was holding their pens and pencils?!"
"Well," answers Conker, "I'm pretty sure those were pocket protectors. And I'm really glad that Squall finally decided to just pull out his sword and hack those guys to pieces... All that dice rolling and snorting laughter was really starting to get to me. I don't think I could have handled much more of that."
"No problem. I'm just glad I could hack SOMETHING to pieces. I took out 22 of those bastards with my sword." States Squall with a proud grin on his face, only to hear some laughter from behind him. "WUSS!" taunts Vash. "I got 23 of them and only used 4 bullets! You suck man!"
"So, what now?" asks Neo. "Sakura is off trying to find me some sweet shades, Pikachu and Fujiko up and vanished while we were messing with the D'orcs, Lupin had a weird look in his eyes muttering something about 'precious gizmos' before madly sprinting off towards the mountains, and Mara and Abel got abducted by the D'orcs while we were distracted."
"Well I'm going after the D'orcs. They have my girl," States Vash.
"Me too," agrees Ban... Er uh, I mean Squall. "I don't know why, but I somehow feel like less of a man without Abel."
"Well I guess that settles it," states Conker. "I guess we're hunting some D'orcs. Hey, who the hell is that?"
"I am the Keymaster," states a weird looking guy with glasses, an untucked shirt, frizzed out hair, and a strange look in his eyes. "Are you the gatekeeper?" Neo just raises an eyebrow in question.
[We now join up with Mara and Abel who have been abducted by the D'orcs.]
The D'orcs had Mara and Abel bound and gagged to the side of the camp and were busy playing D&D. Mara and Albel, over the course of the past day of confinement in the D'orc caravan had learned a great deal. Mara and Abel were being taken by the D'orcs to the head D'orc, each for their own reasons. Mara because... well, she's friggin HOT and the head D'orc wanted to touch her boobies. *Cue stupid Urkel laughter* Abel was a different story, however. According to the head D'orc, Abel was the key to a new form of existence for the D'orc army. And now, two of the D'orcs were paying particular interest in our captive companions. Loosening the gags, the D'orcs began the conversation...
"So my name is Pojo," says the shorter D'orc, and waving to his friend, "and this is Mojo."
"I TOLD you to call me Valcor the Conquerer! Why can't you ever get that right!?"
"Fine... My buddy, Valcor the Conquerer. Anyhoo, we've never been this close to a girl before and we wanted to talk to you before taking you both to the Puberty City, and a new existence as we know it. You see, Mara, you're the gateway to our everlasting manhood, and Albel is the key to our immortality."
Looking at Albel, Mara asks in horror, "Did he say I'm the gateway to their manhood?"
"I think he did," replies Albel. "And if that's the case, I want NOTHING to do with what they're going to do with me."
Grinning, Mojo states, "I can't wait to be a real man!" as he leans closer and closer to Mara. "HEY!" shouts Pojo. "I want to be deflowered first!"
"No way, man. I'm not going after the likes of you!"
"That's it! It's time to battle! I cast Magic Missle on you for," *rolls dice* "14 damage!"
"You can't do that and you know it, Pojo! You know I have on my boots of Missle disruption on. You just wasted a spell! So in response"...
[Ok, you can see where this is going. And I want as little to do with it as you do... trust me! Lol! So let's go catch up with Pikachu, Fujiko, and Lupin somewhere up in the mountains.]
Pikachu, after seeing Lupin grab Sakura's ass, had decided that he'd had enough with this quest thing and decided to go into the mountains where he'd just toss the stupid electronic device into the nearest river. But having a huge non-sexual crush on the cute, cuddly Pikachu, Fujiko followed Pikachu into the mountains and caught up with the cute little electric plushy just as he's about to toss the thing into the river. And for the sake of translation, purposes, henceforth, I'll translate Pikachu in the form or Italics inside quotes.
"Why the hell can't I get rid of this thing!" shouts the irate yellow critter as he holds the Earpiece in his hand, standing at the threshold of the river. "All I want to do is toss this thing in the river, but it won't friggin LET me!" Fujiko, not understanding a single word Pikachu is saying comes up behind the electrically charged oddity. "Aw, you're so cute. You left the party to complete the quest yourself. You care so much for everybody else that you went away to save us. You're so darned courageous and thoughtful. And that just makes you even more cute!" At this point, Fujiko grabs Pikachu and begins hugging and squishing him much to the horror of the little critter.
At this point Lupin rushes out of a nearby bush going after the duo and all but attacking them, yelling "My PRRRRRECIOUS!" Amidst the scuffle, Pikachu unleashes a lightning bolt attack, shocking both Lupin and Fujiko and causing them to be thrown from Pikachu. As it turns out, Lupin lands on top of Fujiko, with his hands on her bossom. [Gee, who didn't see THAT one coming?] And so another scuffle breaks out and ends in Lupin running away for his life. A pissed off Fujiko comments to Pikachu upon coming back to the river's edge, "Well THAT was weird. I made sure he knew that he was NOT to follow us anymore."
"Damn it! We needed a friggin guide! Well, between this nifty gadget I have and the gigantic size of your breasts, I highly doubt that that's the last we've seen of him."
"You're welcome. I'll save you from him anytime," replies an oblivious Fujiko.
"God I hate you." And the two wander off farther into the mountains in the general direction of the volcano that houses Evil-R-Wii.
By this time, Mara and Albel have been carried by the D'orcs all the way to Puberty City and have met the head D'orc, Seven Kith in the great Merryl Lynch building. There was much oogling of Mara's body, and some disappointment that Albel was NOT the keymaster. But both were still alive, and as of yet, both still had their 'flowers' still intact when our sextet of adventurers burst through the door, all clad in uber-nifty black spandex and armed to the teeth with various weaponry, including moltov cocktails, rocket launchers and baseball bats. And behind them looking around quite inquisitively is that strange man with the frizzed out hair.
"No!" says Neo as the D'orcs all turn in unison and throw their plastic light sabers and cast their various 'spells' amid the deafening sound of dice rolling. And when it's all said and done, the plastic light sabers really do nothing but cause a couple bruises and piss off Squall something fierce.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" shouts Conker. "That bloody hurt!"
With a smurk, Seven simply states, "Ok, so you have some skill." When suddenly he feels somebody tapping him on the shoulder. "Are you the gatekeeper?" asks the man with the frizzed out hair. A bit shocked, Seven replies, "Are you the Keymaster?" At this point all the D'orcs are horrified to see the 'Gatekeeper' and the 'Keymaster' look into each others eyes and have a bit wet kiss. They then turn towards the far wall, cast a REAL spell, change into dogs, and walk through the wall with then disappears revealing what appears to be a portal to another dimension. And out of the portal walks a large black man. "My name is Dozer. I'm a hacker from the 'real' world and I have been working on a program to make people invincible. And I think I've finally succeeded. So let me just boot up the program and we'll see what happens."
At this point, all the companions turn and look at each other in wonder and confusion. "Hey, Mr. Narrator," states Conker. "What the hell is going on?"
[Sorry, Conker. You're going to have to figure this one out on your own, buddy.]
"Bloody Hell!" And after a slight pause, and Neo seeing black cats, Vash decides to take some action. Saying, "Fuck this," he pulls out his gun and shoots a few shots into the mass of D'orcs. To everybody's amazement, the D'orcs in the line of fire phase out a bit and get really sinister looks on their faces. "We're now ghosts. We can't be killed by the likes of you, now."
"Oh Shit!" shouts Dozer. "That wasn't supposed to happen. You guys were the ones supposed to be invincible. Let me see what I can do about this." And Dozer goes back into the portal. "Maybe we should run," states Kankuro. "No, wait. I have an idea. Follow me," states Squall as he rushes out the door and down the stair well, looking back only to see if his companions are following his lead... which they are. "What's your plan?" yells a very winded Temari. "And why the hell are you on the phone? Who ya gonna call?"
"Hello," asks Squall into the phone. "Ghostbusters? Yeah, you may not be afraid of no ghosts, but we are, and we're being chased by like 2,000 of the bastards. And they all have light sabers. Yeah, they're D'orcs, why? Oh really? Who knew? Ok, then hurry your asses up!"
"So what the hell is going on?" asks Kankuro. "Well," replies Squall, "I saw an add for these guys on our way up the stairs into the D'orcs lair. And supposedly these guys specialize in killing ghosts. The add said they've not had much work lately, so they are even doing the first de-haunting for free!"
Right about this time a noncorporeal voice that sounds very much like Dozer chimes in. "Ok, guys. I think I got it fixed. The D'orcs shouldn't be a problem anymo... Oh shit. Hey guys, you might want to keep an eye out for something really big and nasty."
Just as Dozer finishes his statement, the group runs outside to a screeching siren and four men wearing proton packs who push past them into the building saying in unison, "We ain't afraid of no ghosts." And Conker just points to a 20-story Michellin Man. "Bloody why couldn't it have been a 20-story Marshmallow man. We could have roasted him with the Moltovs. This narrator sucks."
[Shut it Conker and get on with it!]<
"Well if you'd give me a friggin B-button maybe I could be of some USE in this story line!"
[You know that would make things too easy. We want the other people to have some fun.]
"You call a 20-story Michellin Man fun? YOU come down here and fight the bloody wanker!"
[Now, Conker, you and I both know I can't do that and write the storyline. Now GET ON WITH IT!]
By this time, the ghostbusters have gotten past 90% of the ghost D'orcs and to the top floor of the building where the portal to another dimention stands before them along with another 100 ghost D'orcs surrounding Mara and Albel who are still tied up. But suddenly Neo steps in front of the party to confront the 20-story Michellin Man. "We humbly request that you take you and your minions back to whatever dimesion from which you came."
The Michellin Man tilts his head slightly to the right, leans down 5 feet away from Neo and asks, "Are You A God...?" In response, Neo glances around and says, "Well, Yes."
"Oh, Ok, then," replies the Michellin Man. "Could you please point me to the nearest Goodyear outlet? I have a score to settle." A bit shocked, Neo points to the North and watches as the Michellin Man wanders in search of the Goodyear Depot. "What was up with that?" asks Temari. "Well," replies Neo. "When somebody asks you if you're a God, you say yes."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The companions all look up to see the upper 10 floors of the Meryll Lynch building incinerate in a matter of seconds. But they are relieved to see Mara and Albel walk out of the building at about the same time. Mara answers the unsaid question, "These guys came up and rescued us from all the D'orc Ghosts and set us free before they imploded the portal to another dimention."
"No, you're wrong. They were Ghost D'orcs. To say that they were D'orc Ghosts implies that they were originally ghosts who made a conscious decision to become D'orcs," corrects Albel. "Thusly they were Ghost D'orcs."
"Thank you. But as I was saying, the D'orc Ghosts...
"Ghost D'orcs."
"Ghost D'orcs... were about ready to sacrifice us when these guys came and killed all them and set us free. They told us they were going to have to destroy the portal to another dimention so that Dozer wouldn't give us any more trouble."
"Well that's all well and good," states Kankuro. "But it seems that that explosion has attracted some attention. I hear the fire department already on its way. And by the way... why are there 6 stars flashing above everybody's heads?"
Conker, shaking his head in frustration simply states, "What are you doing to us THIS time?"
Leaving Conker and the rest to deal with this latest obstacle in order to catch back up with Pikachu and company. Pikachu and Fujiko have been wandering aimlessly through the mountains with no real luck. They have actually passed the same boulder 5 times.
"I'm so fucking tired of wandering through these mountains! Why can't you just take the damned hint and leave me the hell alone, Fujiko!?"
"I know, Pikachu. I'm getting hungry too. But maybe there are some tasty berries around the next turn. Come on, Pikachu!"
"I am going to kill you, you know this, right?"
Hugging Pikachu, Fujiko replies, "I love you too, little guy." And once again as if it were his CUE to enter the story again, Lupin enters and jumps Fujiko and Pikachu mid-embrace hissing, "My PRRRRRRECIOUS!" causing yet another scuffle which ends once again with Pikachu using his lightning bolt attack. However this time Lupin does NOT land in the loving embrace of Fujikos lady lumps. Instead they land on opposite sides of Pikachu. "Now, Fujiko, let me at least talk to him before you go all Estrogen Power on his ass."
"Don't worry, Pikachu. I won't let him touch you!" yells Fujiko as she goes after Lupin who cowers in fear at her fast approach. But Pikachu just knocks her out cold with another Lightning bolt attack. "Hopefully Lupin has more brains than you do. Do you understand what I'm saying Lupin?"
Looking at Pikachu inquisitively, Lupin shuffles through his handy dandy pack and, finding what he's looking for puts the small device over his left ear and says, "All right little buddy. I should be able to understand you thanks to this universal translator."
"Thank GOD! Somebody with brains. Ok. Do you know the way to Evil-R-Wii? We've been wandering aimlessly since the last exposional outtake."
"Actually, no. But I DO have a nifty little GPS device that can tell me where we are and where the store is. And we can extrapolate a path using the device. If only you'd just hand me the Earpiece, I'd be more that willing..."
ZAP!!!!!!!! "You know I can't do that. You'd just become its bitch, Lupin. I have to destroy it. And it seems the only way to do that is to return it to the store for store credit or something. So if you'd use your devices to get us a map and lead us, the three of us can finally make some progress once Fujiko wakes up."
"Well I suppose so," replies Lupin with somewhat of a gleam in his eye. "But since Fujiko's out cold, do you think that I could..."
"Knock yourself out. Just don't tell me any details. You have 30 minutes."
[Ok, so on that note, I'll let you all imagine those 30 minutes for the next week... ***shudders in horror***]
Chapter 3 of 3
"Man," states a relieved Mara. "It sure is good that you thought to drive into that 'Paint and Spray' body shop. And this new paint job is KILLER, man. I'm amazed that the cops around here are that dumb." At this point she eyes a cop as he walks past the group. "So what is the plan now? We're pretty much back together aside from Fujiko, Pikachu, and Lupin. But nobody cares about Lupin, nobody understands Pikachu, and Fujiko is just a big pair of boobs with hair."
"That may be true," interjects Vash, "but Pikachu has the Earpiece. And I'm pretty sure that Fujiko is tagging along with him. You know how she is with cute fuzzy critters. Then there's Lupin, who HAS to be somewhere near those two. If there's one thing he likes more than gadgets, it's boobs. And if he likes anything more than boobs, it's gadgets."
"Well," replies Conker, "they're somewhere in the mountains. We're still in the city. And none of us knows exactly where they are. So unless somebody knows how to find them, we're pretty much on our own as far as THAT goes. But at least we know where they are going. And since I'm the Gandalf-proxy in this storyline, I guess I'm going to have to make the decisions on where and what we should do. Let me just go click on this nice little B-button over here and see what happens."
Somehow, Conker failed to notice the large thing on the wall behind the B-button till now. But after pushing the button, he noticed it, and peered inside. At this point, the thing wraps around Conker's head, and downloads all its knowledge into Conker's brain before releasing Conker, leaving him quite dazed, slightly confused, and very smart.
Seeing this all transpire, Neo grabs Conker and asks "Are you OK?”
And nodding, Conker replies, "Yeah. Why do you ask?"
"Conker, did you notice that your British accent just disappeared?" Asks a concerned Kankuro.
"Huh? What are you talking about? Who is Conker? My last name is MacGyver."
In response the party looks at him very warily, and Albel asks "Ok, MacGyver. And what is your FIRST name?"
"I don't really like my first name. So when are we going to go fight all of Elrond's clones? He's been amassing a huge army of clones with which he is planning on taking control of not only the Earpiece, but eventually the entire universe. The key is this guy right over here," as he motions to Neo, "but since he's a retard, he can't seen to figure out 'That The One Thing' yet. Just remember, Neo, that there is no spork. But since you're an idiot, we need to find Sakura first so that we can let your powers loose."
"She went off somewhere to heal some people and I think she said something about a present for Neo," states an obviously well-informed Temari.
"Oh," counters Conker. "Well we need to get to her so I can help her make some nifty shades for us all. But I have to warn you, time is of the essence. Because I'm not going to have these nifty abilities for long before I start going insane... Knowledge of the Ancients and all, you know how it goes. So here's what I need: a paper clip, toothpaste, duct tape, 14 DVD's, a ball-point pen, 3 tube socks, a coat hanger, a gerbil, a fish tank, fish bowl, a hose, 72 wads of meat paste...and an endless supply of Hot Pockets and Xena tapes... ... Well, hurry up and FIND the stuff!"
We'll leave this group of companions to go about their nice little scavenger hunt for random items to go see how the other group has been faring. It's been well over 30 minutes, so I think we should be safe by now.
A very loose and relaxed Lupin sits in the corner as Pikachu walks up to the scene. Fujiko is still quite passed out. "Man, I didn't think I shocked her THAT hard. I'm actually surprised she didn't wake up and kick your ass."
"Oh, she did. But as it turns out, that's my fetish. So she kicked my ass, and that appears to be HER fetish, so it works out perfectly. She likes to beat the fuck out of people and I like to be manhandled. So we both had some fun. But the kicking of the ass is much more labor-intensive, if you know what I mean."
"No I don't, and I really don't want to. In fact, I'm pretty sure you've already given me far too much information as it is. So anyways... We need to get going if we're going to get store credit for this Earpiece, so if you could wake up Fujiko so we can get going, I'd appreciate it."
"Actually, if you'll just follow me, I can show you where we need to go. It's actually just over this ridge. It's like a 3 minute climb to see where we need to go. But you're not going to like what you see."
After following Lupin up a 3 minute climb, Pikachu sees what Lupin is talking about. "Is that Elrond down there?"
"Indeed it is. And I did some quick estimating while you were gone, and there are exactly 1,425,263 of him."
"A quick estimate, you say...?"
"Gadgets, remember?"
"Speaking of Gadgets," says a squirrely voice from behind the two. "Lupin, we need you." And much to Pikachu's chagrin, Lupin disappears before he knows what has happened.
And back to the main party where "MacGyver" has made a teleportation device that he has used to go find Sakura, who has purchased Neo a nifty set of shades. He then teleports to grab Lupin *see above* and teleports back to the group.
"Ok," says MacConker. "Now if you'll just hand me the leftover duct tape, the paper clip, and that little flux capacitor I made earlier, Lupin is going to make Neo some really cool shades, because my brain power has been spent... Knowledge of the Ancients and all..." At which point, Conker begins wandering around aimlessly muttering incoherently about his baseball and liking pizza, Steve. "I LIKE IT!"
"Oh, cool! I get to be USEFUL and use my gadgetry skills to create something that will help Neo access his powers! And all the stuff I need is already here for me to use!" says an excited Lupin as he scuttles to work on the shades, reminiscent of a happy Zoidburgh.
[Back to Pikachu]
"Where's Lupin gone, little guy?"
"Well, he just disappeared, but I guess all we have to do to get rid of the Earpiece is to just climb up here and then it's basically a straight shot to the Evil-R-Wii store. All we would have to do is wade our way through a massive horde of Elrond clones to get there. So I can take out quite a few with a few Thunderbolt attacks and whatnot, but I'm going to need some help from you. What can you do to help?"
Fujiko looks at Pikachu with a rather perplexed look on her face then shrugs before beginning down the path they had originally been walking saying, "Well, let's keep moving. I know you miss Lupin, but we're probably better off without him. He'd just slow us down. Come on, Pikachu!" as she grabs Pikachu to assure he's coming.
"Yeah, he'd slow us down when you started beating him up again," Pikachu replies as he ponders the consequences of killing somebody mid-storyline.
Back to the main group where Lupin has made Neo's shades so that "The One" can see the "code".
"Since when can Neo fly?" asks a shocked Squall. "I want to fly!"
"It's just a combination of his inherent ability and my gadgetry skills which have finally allowed him to tap into that ability. He has finally realized that there is no spork," replies a very proud Lupin as an exhilarated Neo lands on the ground next to the group.
"So what do we do now?" asks a very envious Squall. "Conker is now a retard, thanks to that Alien device frying his brain, and that leaves us with nobody to operate that makeshift transporter."
Neo wastes no time taking over. "Well, now I see things much more clearly, thanks to Lupin and these shades. So we need to take the fight to Elrond before his horde of clones becomes out of hand. But I'm going to need help from all of you in this epic battle. We'll need all your abilities and skills to keep all the clones occupied while I fight it out with the REAL Elrond. Because this opponent is beyond all of you. So everybody pile up into the Neon and I'll just fly you to where Elrond and his horde is brooding in wait for the ultimate conflict. But Lupin, you need to stay and fix that teleporter. We may need your help getting out of there in a hurry."
"Damn it! Why do I get left out of all the cool stuff!?" complains a frustrated Lupin. "Well at least this way I can go back to find my Prrrrrrrecious..."
Grumbling as everybody piles into the purple Neon that has been termed the 'clown car', Squall mutters, "Now who's idea was it again to steal a Neon and not an SUV again?"
We now go back to Pikachu and Fujiko, who have spend the above time playing a little game of "guess what Pikachu is saying" with the use of negative reinforcement and punishment, for all you psych majors out there. Just use your imagination on that one. You'll laugh. But by this time, Fujiko has actually began to be able to understand the meaning of what Pikachu says. It's amazing how potent that stuff is on the psyche.
"Ok, so you're saying we should go up these rocks and we'll see where we have to go?" and in response, Pikachu nods. "Oh, thank God. I was getting really tired of you shocking me." So the two climb over the rocks back to the vantage point where Pikachu and Lupin were earlier. But this time something was slightly different. "Why are all those guys wandering away from the volcano and towards that gate? I thought they'd all be guarding that place or something. Well at least that would have made for a fun fight! Oh well, we can always make it across more stealthily. Does that sound good to you, Pikachu?" Pikachu nods. "Thank god."
So our two intrepid travelers begin the trek across the volcanic planes of Bordoor, hiding under rocks, and behind... rocks, and doing the Looney Tunes-type sneaking with bushes, only they use... well, rocks. Meanwhile, Elrond, sensing Neo and the companions coming for him in some epic final confrontational standoff, sends all his clones in for the attack, with him in the lead. Neo drops off the companions and lands as everybody climbs out of the Neon and stands at the ready to face off with Elrond, Elrond, Elrond, Elrond, Elrond, and you get the picture. Needless to say, they are all outnumbered, but that makes for a great battle.
The horde of Elronds encircles the group with the hopes of trapping an escape, and with the hopes for attacking on all fronts. But anybody who's seen a Marial Arts movie, knows that this never actually helps the attackers kill any good guys. It just makes for a bunch more dead bodies, and a really cool epic action scene. And after about 526,773 of the clones go down, the action stops and one of the Elronds steps forward to call out Neo.
"Well, well, well, Mr. Anderson. It seems you have finally looked past those pig eyes of yours to see the truth. There's no way you could have killed so many of my clones had you not finally become 'The One.' And now I must take you down myself. I have seen the truth, Mr. Anderson. And that is that with the Earpiece I will become 'Smith' and will be unstoppable. I will take over this world, then I will spread to another, and then another until all the universe is mine."
"Uh..." interrupts Sakura. "Isn't that just a little too much like the 'Replicators' from that Stargate series? I mean that's really all you're doing is making more of yourself in order to take over the universe."
"Uh, well that's completely different because I actually have to take over a body in order to 'replicate' myself. It's more like demonic possession really. Which is why I'm glad the D'orcs finally found the Keymaster, because once the Earpiece is mine, the Ghostbusters would have been the only ones who could have stopped me. So now, Mr. Anderson, it is time for us to finish this. And while the rest of me would like to sit back and enjoy this, you DID break the rules and brought your 'friends' so now I'll send in the clones to deal with your compatriots. I'm going to enjoy this, Mr. Anderson.
"My... Name... Is... NEO!!!!!"
Cue huge uber-mega fight-scene with thunder, lightning, rain, theatrics, blood, guts, guns, nifty shades, sporks... Oh, wait...there ARE no sporks. Anyways...you get the general picture. Meanwhile, Pikachu and Fujiko have managed to get to Evil-R-Wii and are in the 'returns' line waiting to be helped.
"God, these lines are always way too long. They make you wait and wait and wait, which only pisses you off enough to just go home and forget about it. And we're still #537 in line... No, wait... Somebody just had a baby... So now we're #538. Damn it."
"Watch this..." And Pikachu sends a shock through everybody in front of them that sends everybody to the floor. "I believe we're next!" "Good job, little buddy! Yeah, we'd like to return this Earpiece for store credit please."
The guy behind the counter grabs the Earpiece, looks it over then says "You do know that this particular model has been recalled and therefore will be destroyed if you do indeed return it, right?"
"Yes, we understand that. That's half the reason we are bringing it in."
"Well then I guess we can do it. And it looks like this is worth quite a bit. So would you like this split up two ways or all together?"
Looking at Pikachu hopefully and seeing the angry look in his eyes, Fujiko sighs and replies, "Could you please split up that credit 12 ways."
"Ok, just sign here and we'll take care of that for you."
Just as Fujiko is about to put the pen to the paper to seal the deal, Lupin appears and tackles her, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" A small scuffle between the two ends in Lupin pinned to the floor with Fujiko on top of him, bosom 2 inches from Lupin's face... Yes, you know he likes it. "I can't let you destroy it, Fujiko." States an obsessed Lupin. "It's too valuable and wonderful to destroy. We must have it for future expeditions! Think of the wonders, the power, THE GADGETS!!!!!!"
The guy behind the counter sighs. "This is the exact reason we recalled this damned model. So just sign here and we can get this over with."
"Shut it!" shouts a Fujiko with a gleam in her eyes. "He's right. We must have it for ourselves. We needs it. It's ours... Our Prrrrrreciousssss."
"Oh for Lord's sake, that's friggin it! I'm done with this. PIIIII... KA... CHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!"
...
...
"Well, Mr. Chu, we'd like to thank you for shopping at Evil-R-Wii. We would like you to know that we value our customers and it is because of that that we are glad you decided to return this Earpiece. It has caused enough trouble already and we are more than happy to give you this store credit, dispersed 12 ways. We are sorry, but you will not be able to use this store credit for 1 month while we repair the damage you just did to our building, but rest assured that when we have rebuilt, you can use the store credit whenever you want, so long as you are aware of the restrictions involved. The Earpiece will be destroyed within the next 5 minutes. Thank you for your business and goodbye. And please take the unconscious bodies with you."
"Thanks, and sorry again about the huge lightning explosion. I was just tired of the idiocy."
Back in the epic battle, all the clones have been held at bay, with very few actually dying. The companions have all survived. Neo and Elrond have battled furiously on the ground, in the sky, and everywhere in between in a very DBZ fashion except without the energy balls and such. And as in heroic epic fashion, Elrond was just about to deal a crippling blow to a downed Neo when suddenly there was a huge explosion from somewhere off North near the Volcano. Realizing exactly what was happening, and that he was already too late, Elrond turned away and flew in the general direction of the explosion. Five minutes later, Elrond dropped out of the sky, and all the Elrond clones dropped to the ground, phasing into quite normal-looking people without suits. Later, Neo and the other companions would pick up Elrond, Pikachu, Lupin, and Fujiko with the help from some coconut-laden swallows and take them back to the warehouse where they awaited the great Worf E. S.
"Well, I'm glad you all made it out alive. All seems to be back to normal. Elrond has pointy ears again and there's only one of him. Evil-R-Wii should be up and running again in about a month. The D'orcs have been taken care of. But it is a pity that the Ghostbusters had to kick the bucket. They were a great asset to our cause."
Always the greedy type, Lupin interjects. "So what's our reward?"
"Well," replies Worf, "Pikachu has been good enough to split the store credit 12 ways, so that is more than enough reward, excluding the sheer experience you've gained. And if not, well then you can TRY to get something more, but it ain't happening. So now, I must zap you all back to where you were before. Oh, and Conker, take this blue pill and you'll no longer be a retard. Thor is greatful for all that you have done."
"The blue ones make me horny!" states Conker as he takes the pill and all are transported to where they were before this quest started. And yet... There's still that hue verde... *cue scary sequel music!*
Rewards:
Conker receives 31,002 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Thomas A. Anderson receives 23,964 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Sakura Haruno receives 50,958 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Pikachu receives 50,958 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Lupin receives 34,734 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Fujiko receives 17,544 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Kankuro receives 23,964 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Temari receives 31,002 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Vash the Stampede receives 46,716 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Mara Jade receives 31,002 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Squall Leonhart receives 34,734 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.
Albel Nox receives 20,673 Experience and a 5 Evil-R-Wii store credits.